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Jokes about "Family"

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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist. ...
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. ...
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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. ...
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Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” -“No”, she replies sleepily. -“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. ...
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. ...
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. ...
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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. ...
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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. ...
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A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…” Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?” ...
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” ...
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