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Jokes about "Family"

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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. ...
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Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” -“No”, she replies sleepily. -“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. ...
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. ...
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. ...
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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. ...
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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. ...
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A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…” Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?” ...
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” ...
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" ...
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" ...
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